Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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