I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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