her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
