Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
