just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
