I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
