I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
