She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
