I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
