So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
