Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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