nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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