It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
