I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize