chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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