And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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