1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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