when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
