You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
