apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
