went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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