I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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