I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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