Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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