when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
