My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
