Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
home. puking in laundry basket.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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