o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
