I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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