Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
