Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
