I faked an abortion last night.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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