I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
