So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We left the knife in your bed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
