you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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