shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
