Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize