Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
