I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
