Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
