well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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