I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
