I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
