Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
