my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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