if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
