are you so shy because you have an std?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
