OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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