He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
