im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
