I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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