My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
