i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
