remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
