i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
