So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
this hospital has no fireball
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
